For a little bit I had an Instagram account separate to my usual @beccalouisesavory. This usual account I have had since I was like 16 with my very first photo being a rainbow dated 17thOctober 2012. I mean the second account wasn’t exactly creatively named it was just @beclouisesavory, named in order to have some similarity to my blog name. The idea was to build it up along with blog content, and then swap the new Instagram to @beccalouisesavory and call my normal insta something not to do with my name. Sound a little confusing and silly? Yes, my head felt uninspired creating the second account. I even thought to make another Twitter account resulting in 3 twitters: my normal, my professional and then the ‘private’ blog one.
So why did I create a second account?
The point of the second account was to be the one that is linked to my blog beccalouisesavory.com, and perhaps this is common to have two when you blog. A private and a public. But something about it was leaving me feeling unmotivated and a little like I wasn’t being real. My blog is named after me and about me, yet I was going to create a new account to hide my life? This was why at one point I dabbled in creating a blog which was not my name and blogging anonymously – but thus created a couple of years of trying to come up with a cool blog name and so not blogging at all. Now if I had been doing this all for some kind of privacy it would make sense. But why I was doing all this was to avoid judgement from as many people as I could.
I’m sure a few of you are already relating to me – caring what others think. This has stopped me doing what I want and being who I want on numerous occasions. It’s allowed me to let people into my life who were able to use this against me. I’d double think about what I was posting about my life, and sometimes I would go down my own Instagram or Twitter account trying to put myself in someone else’s shoes and if I thought they may have judged me on a certain post I would delete it. Although my habit of tweeting and deleting certainly got some attention anyway.
So, factor in I wanted to begin blogging and a whole new level of exhaustion occurred. What topics could I blog about? Where could I post them so people could see them but also people couldn’t see them? Would people think I was just following a trend? Would I talk about topics that someone else knew more about than me and would roll their eyes at my findings/opinions? Would a boyfriend’s mates find my content and judge him for dating me? Would my family think I’m being ridiculous? (FYI I’m sure there would be no friends and family judging me, but for an overthinker no thought is too much. But saying this I do have friends who are judgemental of other people but of course I would like to think it would not apply to me).
And so, I just wouldn’t blog. This led to thoughts of do people who know I have a blog think I’m lazy because I’m not blogging? Do future employers think I’m not proactive enough because I don’t have a blog? Etc. etc. etc….
If that sounds exhausting it was. I would get layers of guilt built up within me because I felt wrong whichever side of my thoughts I did take. So literally 15 minutes ago I decided “fuck it” if people judge me and unfollow me than actually that’s a good thing. Makes room for the people who matter to me. At the end of the day the only people who I need to pay attention to are those who care about me and those who find/could find my content interesting.
Next question, why am I so bothered about people I know judging my life?
The answer is because I want to blog/vlog about parts of my life which many others don’t know me as and parts of my life I am developing. The parts of my life I want to be but held off being due to the worry of others judging me. Okay its nothing weird, although depends what your definition of weird is. Let’s move onto who I want to be and am trying to be.
I want to be vegan, I want to be someone who gives a shit about animals and the planet, I want to be someone who is aware of the food I put in my body, I want to be more spiritual, I want to be more mindful, and I want to explore crystals and the universe, yes that includes astrology. These are all topics I have dabbled in since I had access to the internet and even a little before that, where I would discuss the universe with my mum and use relaxing oils like lavender. I remember being perhaps 14 and watching a video on YouTube about how animals we eat were treated badly and running down to my dad exclaiming I wanted to be vegan. His response was to not put my mum through extra cooking stress which is a fair point. But then why didn’t I become vegan now I cook for myself? Judgement, always judgement. And perhaps money, but it’s only this last couple weeks I have realised it’s not expensive and actually cheaper than meat. Crystals were something I would also talk to my mum about, and with us both having open minds it was an interesting topic to discuss. Caring about the environment is only a recent thing for me, mostly because I didn’t know enough. But since finishing university I’ve had a lot of time to find out new things.
But I have never full blown committed to any of the above. Not even now as I type. Eating vegan has only been occurring in this last month and I’m still not perfect. But that’s also why I never went vegan – because I put the pressure on myself to be perfect at it. But anything big like a diet, or lifestyle change is going to take time. Similarly, I felt like other vegans would judge me or I feel like other people claim veganism as their identity and get offended when others become it. But that’s just not what its about. It’s a really happy thing that more people are aware of their food, animals and the meat/dairy industry. I was writing a huge paragraph about my vegan journey starting from 14-year-old me running down the stairs crying about animals to now, but I think that should be its own blog post.
In the last maybe 2 months I have become super aware of how upset the Earth is and I just can’t ignore it anymore. Because if I am honest with myself, I did ignore it because I couldn’t be bothered to learn usually because I had a university deadline or a stress in my life taking all my energy. But it just kind of hit me that none of that even matters if the Earth dies? Plus, I want my grandkids and beyond to have a wonderful life and I feel guilty I am contributing to ruining it for them. It was easier when I didn’t know anything, but now I do I can’t turn away anymore. That’s not to say I judge anyone who isn’t as invested, we all have our reasons. And what’s important is I focus on what I can do. And again, I won’t start perfect, but it’s begun with reading the back of packaging to see if its recyclable. In documentaries I have watched, I’ve learnt that the meat farming industry is the biggest cause of hurting the Earth due to how much space cattle take up, how much they eat and how much water they drink – so even if I could ignore the animals being born solely to be eaten, I couldn’t ignore the impact its having on our planet. There’s a hell of a lot of details to this, but again another blog post maybe?
So, the above paragraph mixed with my gut having played up since I was 11 years old, hiding my sandwiches from my mum because they made my stomach make awful noises in class, it led to me finding the motivation to switch to a vegan diet. Furthermore, I work at a veterinary referral practice and being an empath, I seriously feel how the animals are feeling. And just because I feel the dogs pain, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be able to feel a cows pain. A colleague brought a lamb in the other week and it did have a little personality. It really trusted everyone in the room giving it strokes and attention. To think she could have been food made me feel unwell.
Oh, another reason why I avoided being vegan – because I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or feel like they had to be vegan. I hate the idea of making others feel bad, and even when someone didn’t go on about their diet, I still felt guilty being around them eating like I should be vegan too. This is something I totally put on myself, and I am sure this does not apply to everyone at all. But what if it does to someone? I had to accept that it is their own battle to contend with not mine. I would never tell someone they can’t order meat, nor would I be upset if they did eat it. But I do want to promote over my blog what is going on in the world and how great I feel. I imagine this will cause the most people to unfollow me, and I can’t blame them. If they don’t want to see it then they need not.
I mentioned astrology and crystals. This is something that is likely to be the most judged out of everything. At least plenty of people before me have paved the way to veganism and caring about the planet. Astrology has lots to it when you really look into it, and I don’t intend for it to exactly tell my future, but for the same reason for my interest in crystals I just want to feel close to the universe/planet. Our ancestors would use the stars to tell stories and worship them and the planet we live on. I just kind of live on Earth and live to be a consumer of man-made products. Is it crazy I just want to feel grateful to the planet that I get to live on it? That it gives me oxygen? That without it I wouldn’t exist? I don’t want to forget about Earth anymore on my journey to becoming ‘successful’. I probably won’t explore this a lot to begin with on my blog, I’m still not completely over judgement in this area. But it really is fascinating what our ancestors would see in the stars.
Anyway, thus far I have been someone who is just really agreeable and does whatever is easiest and most socially acceptable. And I like the fact that there is very little to judge about me (some may say dull). But if I keep doing that then I don’t think I’ll ever truly be ‘me’. I want to be mindful and at peace. And as much as I hate how bad my physical health is right now, it’s a lot to do with my motivation to make a change, because I want my body and also my mind to be at it healthiest, happiest and strongest. And it just won’t be that by letting other people’s possible judgements stop me. Last thought, another reason I wish to pursue all I have said is down to my extreme empathy. I just really feel everything, including how the planet feels. When the weather was fucked up in January/February in the UK I honestly held back tears because the Earth is really unhappy isn’t she? Suddenly other’s judgements seem really tiny.