It finally makes sense… my disconnect. I’d watched hours on hours of higher universe videos and podcasts, learning how everyone and everything was connected. Yet I didn’t feel inspired, or happy or complete? I didn’t understand… why did my mind love the idea of being part of this bigger picture but when I tried to push into it, I felt exhausted?
“Everyone and everything is connected, which is why the environment really matters and why I’m cutting out all animal products,” I’d say excitedly whilst not truly feeling part of it. My depression kept creeping up my body, entering my mind and I found no solace in exploring the universe. If anything, it just made me tired. I hoped it would pass and that I’d feel connected to the planet soon, but when it never arrived, I felt like a failure. It felt like I had zero purpose to be on this planet.
In the past I had begun dismissing all the self-love videos and books believing I was better than them. That if I could just unlock the wonders of the universe, I wouldn’t need to love me, I could love the planet, because what do I even matter if the Earth dies! How wrong I was. I went about it completelyyyy the wrong way.
After yet another breakup leaving me feeling unworthy, unwanted and pathetic I started to dip my toe into this self-love world again. Starting with “Happy” by Fearne Cotton which my friend bought me in an attempt to get me out of my breakup depression. Within 3 days I was already half way through (a record for someone who’s been reading 6 books on and off for 2 years), and I couldn’t put it down. At work I would be thinking about it, and suddenly I wanted to listen to those cheesy self-love podcasts. I’m not above self-love at all!
Don’t get me wrong, self-love is still very hard when you’re use to basing your worth on other’s opinions and your own public achievements. But self-love I have the energy for, and the motivation for. This I see progress with. As soon as I realised I could find happiness in all this there was a huge change in my brain, the fog began lifting. But there’s still a ways to go and the rest of my journey will be full of learning. It’ll be tough but I now know its achievable.
It finally makes sense… how can I be a part of a bigger universe if my own personal universe is neglected. One day I’m sure I will be on such a high vibrational energy that I can connect with the world around me, but for now all I need to do is focus on my little world right here within me.
‘Happy’ by Fearne Cotton has been really getting me back into self-love and caring for myself. I love hearing other people’s stories and journeys ♥️